Tuesday night I worked till 11pm and Wed I worked 8-430 pm then my ex boyfriend came by for a date night.... trying to rekindle things.
Went
to counseling this morning. It was interesting. My counselor seems to
get the impression that I don't value myself enough. She thinks on some
level I may not believe I deserve everything that I want. I think I
deserve it but I also understand that we wont always get everything we
want. But maybe I'm giving up too easy? But at the same time
relationships take some sacrifice and compromise. Where do u draw the
line? I am making a list of my values and non negotiables in life and
for a relationship. Maybe this will help me see things mute clearly. We
all know writing out our goals and aspirations helps us reach our
potential! :) envisioning my dreams..!What I want in a relationship: Mutual Respect, support, encouragement, connection, passion for life, kids, trust... And I know that my value of having a family and having this mutual respect for one another is a non negotiable for me. I picture being happy. When things go wrong, big or small, I want someone who I can make the best of it with. If the power goes out, instead of freaking out or getting angry, lets tell scary stories or have sex! I want someone who will surprise me. And will appreciate when I surprise them.
I want to feel wanted. I want to be enjoyed and I want to enjoy him. I am tried of feeling so much less than I should because men in my life have torn me down. I deserve all of these things. But am I asking too much? My counselor says not at all!
The thing is.... I HATE dating. I mean it can be fun, but I hate trying to be charming and second guessing everything I say and do and wondering what hes thinking. I hate being scrutinized and I HATE scrutinizing everything about them but its inevitable. I am the type of person where stupid little things bother me so the people I have relationships with are people I enjoy being around which sounds like nothing but its actually pretty hard for me to find! The people I have relationships with are people who I can spend all day with and not be sick of them.This time in my life where I a living alone in a new town far enough away from my friends and family that I hardly see them.... This is the time in my life where I am going to learn to love myself. So I need to focus on my health and on fitness and on my passions in life like writing and reading.
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